The Dating Game!
by fadedLily
Summary: The G-Boy and Senshi all end up on a dating game hosted by me! (Warning: Insanity prevails here. Do not enter if you can't handle it.)~Status: Complete~
1. Meet the People!

The Dating Game!  
By: IceQueen  
  
Warning: Contains hazardous materials... may be dangerous to health. Read at your own risk.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters which we are about to use. Although I may wish I did... ::hold up chibi G-Boys:: maybe I do though...  
  
Kitty: ::takes away G-boys:: No! You can't own them!   
  
IQ: Can't I just have Duo? Or Wufei?   
  
Kitty: No you may not!  
  
IQ: ::breaks down into tears::  
  
Kitty: And now back to our program.  


* * *

  
  
A large TV scenery for a game show comes into view and from behind a curtain exits a young lady with red hair and green eyes. She holds up her microphone, and begins to speak.  
  
"Uh... testing..."  
  
Lots of feedback comes over the speakers. The girl turns around and yells, "Fix this damn thing, you morons!"   
  
Lots of fiddling around and cursing can be heard from backstage. The audience is completely quiet, and the only sound are the crickets chirping. Finally 'the morons' fix the sound equipment.   
  
"Now as I was saying. Hello, I am your host for today IceQueen, but you may call me Ice for short. Don't start making cracks about 'Vanilla Ice' or I'll be forced to kick your ass.   
  
Today's show is really special today folks. We've got the Gundam Pilots here!"   
  
The audience breaks out into mass applause as Heero, wearing his usual scowl, Trowa, Quatre, Duo, and Wufei, muttering about being forced to participate on a gameshow for 'weak onnas', walk onstage.   
  
"Now, Mr. Yuy here, will be our first contestant. Any comments Heero?"   
  
"If any of you make any sudden movements omae o korosu." He replied, pulling out that always conveniently handy gun of his.   
"Uh... Heero. Put the gun away."   
  
"Aw, do I have to?" He whines.   
  
"I am the author. You will do as I command." In an instant the gun vanishes back into Heero's spandex shorts.   
  
"Our second contestant will be Mr.Chang. Say hello Wufei."   
  
Wufei steps forward and growls out something that sounded like, "Konnichiwa.... baka onnas..."   
  
"The rest of our lovely G-Boys will be acting as the questionees for the female round. Gentlemen, please return backstage at this time."   
  
The G-Boys happily walk backstage, except for Duo, who is bouncing around picking up phone numbers left and right.  
  
"Folks, we also have a special treat for you today. Our female guests will be.... the Sailor Senshi!" Out come Usagi, Minako, Makoto, Ami, Hotaru, Rei, and Setsuna wearing civilian clothing.   
  
"Ms.Meiou will be serving as our female contestant today. Ms.Meiou please say a few words." Setsuna steps forward, grabs the mike and says, "It is an honor to be. I believe this is the first time I will be competing on a game show."   
  
"Let's hope it's the only time." Hotaru grumbled from behind her. Setsuna steps back into place and pinches Hotaru on the arm for making such an impolite remark.   
  
"Now, as for the rest of them, Ami, Makoto, and Rei will be competing in our first male round. Usagi, Hotaru, and Minako will be competing in the second male round. Girls, please go backstage."   
  
The Senshi bow politely, as in Japanese custom, and leave for the opposite end of the backstage area.   
  
"When we come back from commercial break the first male round will begin! And now a word from our sponsors..."   


* * *

  
  
AN: Okay, here's your chance to get some input. Who do want for couples?   
  
Heero~ Ami  
Makoto  
Rei  
  
Setsuna~ Quatre  
Trowa  
Duo  
  
Wufei~ Minako  
Usagi  
Hotaru  
  
Hurry! I want an answer asap! No, this will not be a Heero/Usagi fic! I have organized the show as such, and so it shall proceed to be! It'll get funny next chapter... I swear!   



	2. Round 1: Let the Chaos Ensue!

The Dating Game!  
Round 1  
By: IceQueen  
  
Disclaimer:   
Kitty: ::Kitty runs across the screen:: Nooooo!  
  
IQ: Give them back! ::comes running out, holding Wufei's stolen katana::  
  
Kitty: ::climbs up nearby tree:: No! You don't own them!   
  
IQ: ::jumps up and down screaming curses::   
  
Kitty: Say it or I'll kill Deathscythe...  
  
IQ: You wouldn't dare.  
  
Kitty: ::holds out the infinitely fragile Deathscythe model, and prepares to drop it::  
  
IQ: No! Idon'townGundamWingorSailorMoon! NowgimmemyDeathscythe!  
  
Kitty: ::hands Deathscythe to IQ:: There, that wasn't so hard...  


* * *

  
  
Ami~ Bachelorette #1  
  
Makoto~ Bachelorette #2  
  
Rei~ Bachelorette #3  
  
Heero~ Bachelor  
  
"Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back from our commercial break! You are here, on the Dating Game!" Ice smiles evilly after that sentence. "Now, our bachelor is sitting onstage already getting prepared to ask a bunch of irrelevent half-assed questions made up by someone with no life! Our bachelorettes are prepared to answer to the best of their knowledge. Let's begin with questiton number one!"   
  
Heero grimaces, but asks question number one. "If you were a snack food what would you be? And why?"   
  
"Well, I don't eat a lot of snack foods, but I guess if I had to pick one I'd be a cupcake, because they're sweet," Bachelorette #1 said with slight hesitation.   
  
"I'd be a HoHo, because everybody loves HoHos," Bachelorette #2 said matter-of-factly. Heero blanched at this answer for obvious reasons.   
"If I were a snack food I'd be a box of Red Hots, 'cause I'm too hot to handle!" Bachelorette #3 shouted into her mic, not sure if it was working.   
  
The result was lots of feedback coming through that made Heero's messy hair stand on end and a big kaboom backstage. "Uh... okay...." Ice said hesitantly, "Continue Bachelor."   
  
Heero cringed as he silently read the next card. "What would your perfect date be?"   
  
Bachelorette #1 took a deep breath. "I don't know. Stay inside and watch a movie, I guess. Maybe play chess."   
  
"Well, first off, I would take you for a romantic picnic on the beach, which I made myself, then we'd take a walk in the moonlight," Bachelorette #2 said wistfully, accompanied by some ramblings afterwards, which were totally off topic.   
  
"I think I would like to practice some fighting for awhile, then... I'd make you clean my temple. Then we could go out somewhere." Bachelorette #3 said without the slightest bit of hesitation, maybe even a bit of snootiness in her voice.   
  
"Geez Rei... that's a good way to get a date..." Makoto murmured to her. Ami had to stifle laughter. "Like I care."   
  
"Well you should," Makoto said, while hitting her on the back. This accidentally knocked Rei off her stoolie-thing and she fell awkwardly. You could hear the _riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip_ of her skirt throughout the entire stage. Rei turned tomato red, and demanded for help. Ami was too busy giggling to be helpful, so Makoto gave her a hand backstage. Then she returned to her seat.   
  
"Well, that's one way to eliminate competition, eh Heero?" Ice said brightly in between bouts of laughter. "Hn." "Not the major conversationalist is he?" Ice asked the crowd. They all nod their heads no. "Anyways, on to the last question."  
  
Heero took one look at the paper, had to swallow a scream, and looked up. There, sitting in the front row with that insane look on her face was Relena-baka. Heero actually did scream this time. "AAh! No! Not you! I thought I got away from you!" Relena smiled that crazy grin of hers. Ice turned around and looked at Relena-sama.   
  
"Okay, Heero. I'll make you a deal:," Ice began.   
  
He looked up hopefully.   
  
"If you ask this question and choose a date, you can go to...." Ice leans in and whispers the destination in his ear. Heero nods his head frantically.   
  
"What do you think of the color pink?"   
  
"I hate it. It's annoying. It reminds me of Pepto Bismol," Bachelorette #1 said with heated passion.   
  
"I love pink! My entire apartment is pink!" Bachelorette #2 said, and went on to babble more about pink.   
  
That question for Heero was the deciding question. "I choose Bachelorette #1," he said hurriedly, ran around the secion of wall, and yanked Ami offstage and right out the door.   
  
A muffled 'HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!' could be heard after them.   
  
"Oh, I'm sorry Makoto Kino. You lost. Now...." Ice gets an evil, sadistic grin on her face as she pulls out a little controller with a red button on it, "You get to spend the time until next week's show in our 'Love-less Shack!' Enjoy!" Ice hits the button, and the floor beneath Makoto drops.   
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" She screams as she plunges into Ice's little chamber of romantic horrors.   
  
"Hey!" Ice yells, "Put Hino down there too! She lost!"   
  
Big guys in black tees and jeans come out, carrying a struggling Rei Hino (with her ass still hanging out) and drop her down the hall. She doesn't scream nearly as loud.   
  
"Well, folks, that's it for this round. When we return from our commercial break: Round 2, the female round!" Ice says while waving and walking offstage to go take her prozac.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: That's it for now. Couples are decided. Polls are closed. hehehe. I am evil. You didn't honestly think I was going to let everyone live happily ever after did you? ^_^ It brings me great sadistic joy to write this story.   



	3. Round 2: Massive Mayhem!

The Dating Game!  
Round 2: Massive Mayhem  
By: IceQueen  
  
Disclaimer:   
  
IQ: Yeah, yeah... I'll say it.... ::under breath:: later  
  
Kitty: Say it now!  
  
IQ: Okay... ::kicks at imaginary dust mournfully::  
  
Kitty: Say it.... or I will destroy your harddrive.  
  
IQ: KK... I don't own... Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon... ::under breath:: However, I wish I did...   
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Bachelorette~ Setsuna  
  
Bachelor #1~ Trowa  
  
Bachelor #2~ Quatre  
  
Bachelor #3~ Duo  
  
"Welcome back, ladies and gents! You are tuned into The Dating Game on the IQ network. All IQ all the time," Ice says with a big smile.   
  
"We are here with our Bachelorette, and our Bachelors. Bachelorette, you may begin whenever you're ready."  
  
Setsuna looks up, startled, from where she had obviously been staring off into space. "Um... hai. Okay, um.. Bachelors, what's your favorite part of a woman's body?"   
Meanwhile Setsuna's thinking, _Chronos, who in Tartarus came up with these questions? They're so stupid!_  
  
".........." Bachelor #1 'said.'   
  
"Um... hello? Bachelor #1? What are you? Mute?" Ice says incredulously, jumping up and down, trying to use sign language.   
  
"Miss Ice, he already said his answer," Bachelor #2 states politely, while sweatdropping. He was thinking, _What are these people? Deaf?_  
  
"Ooooh. Riiiiiight. Well then, what'd he say?" Ice says while rolling her eyes.   
  
"He said he likes earlobes."   
  
"EARLOBES?!? What kind of lame-ass answer is that?" Ice shouts at the top of her lungs.  
  
While this is occurring Setsuna is falling over in her seat giggling. (One of the stagehands later says that this is due to some EXT she took backstage...)   
  
"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SUCH-A LAME-ASS ANSWERS LIKE THAT ON MY GAMESHOW!!! NO GAMESHOW FOR YOU!!" Ice is yelling, jumping around like a manic, and shaking fists at Trowa.   
  
Someone backstage calls out, "Quick! Get her medication!" Uh oh... too late...   
  
Ice whips out her handy little red-button remote, and.....   
  
........  
..............  


* * *

  


* * *

  


* * *

  


* * *

  


* * *

  
  
"NO... GAME... SHOW... FOR... YOU!!!!" Ice yells while simultaneously hitting the red button. Trowa screams (the only sound he's made so far) as he plunges down into our 'Love-less Shack.'  
  
"No game show... no game show..." Ice mutters to herself, sitting down on the ground and rocking back and forth.   
  
"Excuse me, Ice-sama. I'd really like to get a date like... NOW, so if you could pull yourself back into sanity for another few minutes I'd be eternally greatful," the Bachelorette says with a big, happy smile on her face.   
  
"Oooh yeah.. we're still on air. Live." Ice quickly gets up, dusts off her ass and cues Sets to ask the next question.   
  
"Remaining Bachelors... What would you rather do on a Saturday night: make out with me or watch the football game?" Setsuna asks, staring at the section of wall as though trying to see through it with her glazed eyes.   
  
"Well..." Bachelor #2 began, "I don't like football. But I think there should be other aspects to a relationship than just the physical. Personally, I'd like to sit down, and have a nice chat over a cup of tea."   
  
The whole arena is silent, and you can hear the crickets chirping a mile away from the pollution-infested city. Duo's jaw is hanging on the floor, his tongue lolling out of his mouth in shock. Setsuna has a hand over her eyes, wishing this all weren't being taped live. Ice-san is staring at Quatre with wide green eyes, and wishing she could just whip out her trusty little red button. But she can't because you've got to have contestants to have a contest.   
  
Setsuna recovers first. "Um.. okay then. Bachelor #3, what is your aspect on the situation?"   
  
Duo quickly stuffs his tongue back in his mouth and collects his jaw. Ice snaps back into reality and moves on to Duo with relief apparent in her eyes. "Well, babe," he starts, leaning back in his stool, "I would rath~"   
  
A big crash can be heard as Duo falls backwards and hits his head. Ice mutters something about incompetency. Setsuna wonders what's going on back there.   
  
Duo quickly scrambles up, his face cherry red from embarrasment, mumbles an apology and rights himself on his stool. "Now, as I was saying, I would much rather spend the night making out than I would watching football."   
  
"Okay, last question Bachelors... What do you like better: sugar or spice?" The Bachelorette asks with a certain amount of disdain in her voice and a look on her face like she'd just stepped in dog shit.   
  
"Well~" Bachelor #2 began, but was cut off by Ice, who had whipped out her remote and hit the button. "AHHH!" He screamed like a little girl until a big smack was heard. Ice looked up at the cameras with a big plastic smile on her face, and said, "He said a wrong answer."   
  
Duo smiled, got up and walked around the partician to Setsuna. "Well, babe, I guess you're my date."   
  
She smiles and gets up. "That's cool."   
  
"Okay, kids. You have a great time at an all-expense paid trip at the Sybaris spas," Ice said and waved them offstage. "Well, that worked out well, didn't it?"   
  
"When we come back from commercials: Round 3!" She smiles and waves, but you can hear her backstage.   
  
"Jesus Christ- sounds like a fucking boxing match... Move it!! Get me a beer, bitch! And some Advil!"   
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: That's it for now! Next time: The last and final chapter... Usagi vs. Minako vs. Hotaru.   
The prize: Wufei Chang... ::evil smile::   



	4. Round 3: The Last Laugh!

The Dating Game!   
Round 3: The Last Laugh!  
By: IceQueen  
  
Disclaimer:   
  
IQ: I don't own anything. There! You happy? I said it!  
  
Kitty: Thrilled. Ecstatic even.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Bachelor~ Wufei  
  
Bachelorette #1~ Usagi  
  
Bachelorette #2~ Hotaru  
  
Bachelorette #3~ Minako  
  
Ice comes out on stage, wearing a big bright smile. Looking very much less insane.   
  
"Hello everyone! Welcome back to..... The Dating Game! This is our last and final round! Our Bachelor is over there......" Ice looks at Wufei with a raised eyebrow, "Looking very hostile. Our Bachelorettes are......" Ice looks at Usagi, Hotaru, and Minako,"Looking stupid, actually. Maybe it's just all the blonde."   
  
"Okay, Bachelor, go ahead with question one."   
  
Wufei reads the question and frowns. _Obviously,_ he thinks, _this question was made by an onna._   
  
"Well, you would definitely be a bunny! Cuz bunnies are cute!" Bachelorette #1 exclaims excitedly, bouncing up and down in her seat.   
  
"I don't keep stuffed animals. So if anything, you'd be a goddamn lamp." Bachelorette #2 says with a frown. _God,_ she's thinking to herself, _Why me? Why did they have to drag me on this stupid fucking show?!?_   
  
"I think you would be a teddy bear, because your cute and I just wanna hug you!" Bachelorette #3 says, twirling a piece of hair around her finger Brittany-style. ((You know, Brittany from Daria?))   
  
Wufei is trying not to gag at the answers he just heard, and Ice is looking dumbfounded at all the blondeness circulating in the room.   
  
"Um...... okay! Next question!" Ice calls.   
  
"What is your favorite pasttime?" Wufei asks, "What the hell? This has absolutely nothing to do with picking a date!! Kisama!"   
  
"Um... I like to eat, and play video games. Especially Sailor V! She's the best!" Bachelorette #1 says, standing up to strike a funny looking Sailor V pose.   
  
"I like to read. That's about it." Bachelorette #2 says, realizing she's needs to get out and do more.   
  
"Well, I'm way into modeling, and acting, and singing, and dancing, and..." Bachelorette #3 babbles endlessly, until Ice takes away her mic.   
  
Wufei is, by this time, sweatdropping immensely.   
  
"Okay, Wufei. Last question. Then you can leave."   
  
"What would you rather do on a date: Shop or go to a big expensive restaurant?"   
  
"Shop definitely! I never pass up an opportunity to go to the mall!" Bachelorette #1 cries with a barbie smile.   
  
"Restaurant. I hate shopping." Bachelorette #2 declares.   
  
"Shop! God, like I would pass up an opportunity to get something new!" Bachelorette #3 exclaims.   
  
"Okay I choose...." Wufei begins, but is cut off by...................  
  
"Kisama! Maxwell, get backstage, baka!" Wufei yells, jumping up.   
  
"No way Wu-man! These chicks adore me!" Duo yells, picking up phone numbers, and signing autographs on girls' body parts.   
  
"Grrrr...... Maxwell!!!" Wufei yells as he charges at Duo with his katana drawn.   
  
"Ahhhh!" Duo yells, and runs away from Wufei.   
  
And so begins the endless chase.   
  
Meanwhile, Ice is thinking, _Come on! I wanna hit the button!   
  
No.... Don't hit the button....  
  
Hit the button!   
  
No.... no button...  
Red, round, shiny. Button. Must hit button.  
  
No!  
  
Must make stupidity go away!   
  
Nooooooo!   
  
Yes!  
_  
"Excuse me!!! Wufei! Who do you pick?!?!?!?" Ice yells, jumping up and down like a crazy cartoon character.   
  
"Nuuuuuumbeeeeeer threeeeeeeeee!!" Wufei yells while running back and forth.   
  
"Okay then! Goodbye and Good riddance!"   
  
Ice whips out her handy dandy.... notebook. Just kidding! Her handy dandy button, and hits the button.   
  
The floor gives way beneath the blondes and they tumble down below to the 'Love-less Shack.'   
  
"Congrats, 'Taru. You win Wufei. You two get to go to Jamaica. Once he's done chasing Duo that is!"   
  
Ice exclaims and walks offstage, muttering about how she needs a vacation. All this romance was making her want to barf.   
  
~Fin~   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
AN: The End! For real! It is! There will be no sequel, or follow-ups on what happened. I had a really hard time writing this, so this is it. I'ma put it up, see what you think. And if I get any better ideas I may rewrite it. ^_^ Bye bye!   



End file.
